Immoral testing to find “real” princesses

By ISOBEL

Government of Fairyland has reached a new low: immoral tests performed without consent to find “real” princesses.


The first case reported was performed on a stormy night by an old queen claiming to have done it for her son’s sake. Apparently he refused to marry anyone but a real princess therefore jeopardising the chance of having a legitimate heir to the throne.


The test consists of placing a pea underneath 20 mattresses and 20 featherbeds - a featherbed being relatively light bedding filled with feathers that provides extra cushion and comfort to the sleeper and helps regulate body temperature. The test subject is then placed upon the unstable construction and is forced to spend the night there. This experiment is based on the folkloric belief that a “real” princess is sensitive enough to feel the pea through all of those layers. There are high risks involved for the test subject.


Ms F, one of the many princesses of Fairyland and a guest at the old queen’s castle at the time, was the victim of this immoral test.


At the time of the incident, Ms F was meant to meet up at the local bowling with Prince Charles - her rumoured fiancé. From what the princess said, the brakes on her brand new Mini stopped working, forcing her to walk several miles under the raging rain. We are still waiting for the report from the garage as to whether it was accidental or intentional.


A statement from the king tries to justify his wife’s actions: “When I went to open the city gate what stood in front of me was a girl with water running down from her hair and clothes; it ran down into the toes of her shoes and out again at the heels. Yet she claimed to be a real princess. Of course neither I nor my wife believed her!” What is not yet clear is how the king heard the knock at the city gate (about 10km away from where he said he was standing when Ms F knocked) and why he personally went and opened it.


Princess F claims to not have been informed about the test. As a result of the experiment, the princess has had to spend several days in intensive care at the local hospital due to serious bruising and severe insomnia.


Some have pointed out the hypocrisy of the old queen and her family considering their unwillingness to go through the same test. They have yet to prove that they are also real royalty. This is of no surprise when you consider the fact that this kingdom is where black pudding was first made.


There are rumours saying that because the test was positive, Ms F was forced to marry the prince. Even though the queen and king say that the newlywed couple is living “happily ever after”, UNO authorities are performing tests to check that the princess has not been brainwashed.


 

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